Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I'm back, BABY!!!

After my last post I kind of forgot to update this thing. Last week I had super keyboard issues begin. Out of the blue my keyboard just freaked out. The caps lock was turning off and on by itself the letters would only work when they wanted to. Last Friday it completely died. I went to Wal-Mart that evening to buy another one. They had two to choose from: crap, and crap senior. I had no intentions of keeping either, I just needed something to use until I made it to a real store. So I bought the $10 special. After I got home I hooked it up to find while typing normal many letters, such as: A, D, G, and maybe a few more didn't work unless you pushed down as hard as you can. Needless to say that is very frustrating. I pretty much gave up on e-mail. I didn't find one I liked so I ordered one on the Internet.

It came today and I was SO happy to start using it. I feel like I evolved. From a chimp smashing a rock into the ground to a future human using my brain waves to communicate. Well okay not quite that much but this new one is wonderful!

Happy St. Pat's!

St. Patrick of Ireland is one of the world's most popular saints. Apostle of Ireland, born at Kilpatrick, near Dumbarton, in Scotland, in the year 387; died at Saul, Downpatrick, Ireland, 17 March, 461.
Along with St. Nicholas and St. Valentine, the secular world shares our love of these saints. This is also a day when everyone's Irish.
There are many legends and stories of St. Patrick, but this is his story.
Patrick was born around 385 in Scotland, probably Kilpatrick. His parents were Calpurnius and Conchessa, who were Romans living in Britian in charge of the colonies.
As a boy of fourteen or so, he was captured during a raiding party and taken to Ireland as a slave to herd and tend sheep. Ireland at this time was a land of Druids and pagans. He learned the language and practices of the people who held him.
During his captivity, he turned to God in prayer. He wrote
"The love of God and his fear grew in me more and more, as did the faith, and my soul was rosed, so that, in a single day, I have said as many as a hundred prayers and in the night, nearly the same." "I prayed in the woods and on the mountain, even before dawn. I felt no hurt from the snow or ice or rain."
Patrick's captivity lasted until he was twenty, when he escaped after having a dream from God in which he was told to leave Ireland by going to the coast. There he found some sailors who took him back to Britian, where he reunited with his family.
He had another dream in which the people of Ireland were calling out to him "We beg you, holy youth, to come and walk among us once more."
He began his studies for the priesthood. He was ordained by St. Germanus, the Bishop of Auxerre, whom he had studied under for years.
Later, Patrick was ordained a bishop, and was sent to take the Gospel to Ireland. He arrived in Ireland March 25, 433, at Slane. One legend says that he met a chieftain of one of the tribes, who tried to kill Patrick. Patrick converted Dichu (the chieftain) after he was unable to move his arm until he became friendly to Patrick.
Patrick began preaching the Gospel throughout Ireland, converting many. He and his disciples preached and converted thousands and began building churches all over the country. Kings, their families, and entire kingdoms converted to Christianity when hearing Patrick's message.
Patrick by now had many disciples, among them Beningnus, Auxilius, Iserninus, and Fiaac, (all later canonized as well).
Patrick preached and converted all of Ireland for 40 years. He worked many miracles and wrote of his love for God in Confessions. After years of living in poverty, traveling and enduring much suffering he died March 17, 461.
He died at Saul, where he had built the first church. Why a shamrock?
Patrick used the shamrock to explain the Trinity, and has been associated with him and the Irish since that time. In His Footsteps:
Patrick was a humble, pious, gentle man, whose love and total devotion to and trust in God should be a shining example to each of us. He feared nothing, not even death, so complete was his trust in God, and of the importance of his mission.

Let the punishment commence

So last time I was saying how I needed something fun. I got the whole mess with the speakers all straightened out. I even managed to buy a CD/MP3 player. Saturday I put it all in. I went to Dubuque to have some time on the road, in order to try all my new gadgets out, and to have some fun. Ironically on the way home my alternator crapped out..this is key to have for things like: headlights, defrost blower motor, windshield wipers, and oh yeah a MP3 player! So I guess my punishment for buying something fun was to have something happen that would prevent me from using it! I barely made it home that night. I tried to get the part the next day but every place needed to order it in and it would be a days wait. So I ordered it online, saved $30 and a trip and waited an extra day. I put it in today, it took about 2 hours. I'll just be thankful it was something I was able to fix on my own instead of something major.

"Fun"

Okay here it goes. I figure I should try and be a little more personal in my blogs so this will be my first attempt...just kidding! No, I am serious, let's try that again.
Lately I have come to the conclusion that I don't really buy anything fun. Depending on who you are you may be thinking "join the club" or "what is this fun you speak of?" I being a single guy probably should be trying to have fun and enjoy being single and wouldn't part of that be buying something fun here and there? Well I decided I should do just that! The last "fun" thing I bought was my TV. I didn't need a new one I just wanted one, so that was "fun". That was also in 2002. Five years! Don't get me wrong I do buy things like clothes, etc. But those things always serve a purpose... like covering me and keeping me warm. I bought a bike two years ago so I guess that's half fun and half exercise...or transportation. I decided this time the "fun" would be to replace the rear speakers in my truck and get a new CD player. The old speakers are pretty much rotted away and sound nasty. The CD player in it now is fine but doesn't play MP3's(I use them alot) and I'd like one with a remote...I know what you are thinking! "You lazy sloth, why do you need a remote when you are two feet from the stereo!" Well my dear child, I have a 5 speed and the shifter is right in front of the CD player so when I want to hit any buttons I have to reach around it putting myself into an odd position and taking my attention off the road.
So today I set out to buy those two items. The speakers seemed to be the easy part. I used the stores computer to look up what I needed and found a pair that were on clearance/sale ...done! The CD player was the hard part. I wanted specific features. After all if it has to last me 8 years like this other one has it had better have it all right? The guy at the store wasn't very helpful, and even if he was I find they usually spew out dribble about whatever product you are looking at even if everything they say they are making up as they go along. So I left there more confused then when I went in and headed over to the great beast, Wal-Mart. All their CD players were locked up behind glass. They were selling like 20-some but only had maybe 8 on display. I found one by reading the box that seemed to have what I was looking for but needed a closer look to be sure. When I looked around to find a key monkey (an employee trusted enough to wield the oh so powerful key) there were none to be found. I saw a small crowd gathered around the tire/lube job area waiting for someone to come. I peeked around the corner and peered down the 3 miles of endless products only to come up empty handed. Oh where oh where are those blue vested warriors when you need them? Frustrated I gave up. On my way to the front I kept an eye out just for my own satisfaction. I didn't see any! So I decided to conclude my quest later on.. in a different store. The speakers would have to do. I got home, grabbed a screw driver, loosened all the screws and took the speaker out only to find... it was a different size that the ones I bought. The computer was wrong. I guess my "fun" turned out to be a pain and waste of time. I shall try again in the very near future though.

No credit for that needed..

Today I shall rant about my credit card. Recently I got a slightly better credit card. I don't really feel the need to try and manage more than one...I don't usually have a balance longer than a month anyway, so I figured I would cancel the lessor one. First off there was no 800 number. I had to call long distance for customer service, I found that odd. So I called it. I had to jump through all the automated hoops..press 1 for your balance, press 2 for your credit limit, press 3 for your remaining credit, press 4 for a brick wall to slam your head against... Finally my option came, 0...shouldn't zero have been first? instead of 25th? I pressed it..*beep*, I am placed on hold. A lady answers, surprisingly she spoke English, I guess that's why they skimped on the 800 number to be able to afford someone who actually spoke the language of the customers she would be speaking to. She asked my name, address, card number, etc. Then asked what she could do for me.. I told her I wanted to cancel the card, she asked why, I informed her. Then she told me she would have to transfer me to the Grand Wizard, or maybe she said account manager... So I agree and then I hear the magical awesome elevator music of the 80's greatest hits volume one. After about 5 minutes I hear a click, and then a dial tone! They had hung up on me!
So I called back, five minutes later I am speaking with a different lady, who asks me all the same information and then puts me on hold. This time I make it through. Now a new lady, she then asks me the exact same questions, my name, address, card number, etc. and why I want to cancel. that's when I said "The first lady I spoke to asked those same questions why do I have to repeat the answers?" "well sir, I don't know why that lady asked you those questions, she doesn't even have a computer, perhaps she was just trying to be polite and make conversation?"
I'm joking.
But I was wondering why.
Then she said in the most monotone script reading voice in the world "Is there anything we can do to keep you?"
I was thinking, well that 85% APR is tempting to keep and that $50 credit limit does serve all my needs, plus this outstanding customer service really wins me over.
I decided to be nice and simply say no. Then as she thanked me she reminded me that I was always welcome back to *then she mispronounced the name of the card*...I'm not joking.

Studys have shown...

1. Eating chocolate is good for you



2. You can relieve headaches by putting your hand in a vise



3. Beer is chocked full of antioxidants



4. Skipping church helps you long for God more and makes you a overall better Christian

Okay I just spurted those out from the top of my head. Every time I sign out of my e-mail on the front page of Yahoo or MSN there is some little article with titles like that. I, being a fool click on them. They start out like some sort of breaking news and always end with something along the lines of a study of 30 people in some weird place in Europe underwent testing and these were the results, similar tests have shown nothing. In other words, you just wasted 3 minutes reading this to find out the author of this article couldn't find anything with proven results to write about so they decided this was news enough for some idiot who has nothing better to do than read their news from a front page Yahoo site! While I almost always seem to be able to avoid the celebrity gossip, when I see something like "Cheerios make you suicidal" as I'm eating my bowl of Cheerios I'd like to know before I take my next bite if it's something I should really care about or some whacked out writer who found a fly in his bowl.

Whatever it is I think I see...Becomes a Tootsie Roll to me

Oh how sweet it is to reminisce, I found this jewel today!

An open letter....

This is the first of many to come open letters......



To the people who wear sunglasses indoors-

Dear sir,

I say sir because in my experience it always seems to be gentleman, if there are the few ladies out there this can also be for you.

It has recently come to my attention that some of you are still choosing to wear sunglasses indoors. This letter is being drawn up to inform you that this practice is no longer socially acceptable, nor was it ever for that matter.

Please ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I a celebrity?



2. Did I just visit the eye doctor?



3. Am I in the witness protection program?



4. Am I blind?...trick question! If you are blind how are you reading this?

If any of those above apply to you you may stop reading this now as you are forgiven. For those of you who didn't find your out up above I need for you to understand something. You are not "cool" or "awesome" . Please take this moment to run to the shower and cry. After the tears are gone you may return to finish.

Now you are thinking to yourself "if this was so uncool or not awesome why didn't anyone say anything to me?" Well perhaps it's because they didn't want to hurt your feelings. You see when someone like yourself manages to find something that makes them feel socially accepted you tend to cling to it and hold on for dear life. I have decided it is my job to figuratively remove your sunglasses and smash them with my foot on the ground. Before you remove them and move onto something else that you think is cool but isn't here are some more things to avoid to help you out...

1. Sweatpants in public



2. Head visors



3. Sweatbands when not working out



4. Professional wrestling shirts



5. Velcro shoes, unless you are under the age of 6

I wish you the best of luck!

-Me

Car Twin part Duex!

It happened! I came face to face with my car twins owner. Ironically he was at the liquor store. Today being Friday and I just finished dropping off a load for shipment at the post office I felt like picking up a six pack. I saw my nemesis there before I even pulled in. A smile of grimace overtook my face. I pulled up, and went in. I curiously looked around as though I didn't know what I wanted, secretly looking for my foe like a hunter stalking its prey...Nothing! Only the lady at the front counter, then I heard indistinguishable voices coming from the back office. He was in there talking to the owner. I had to concede for now. I paid for my six pack of happiness and returned to my vehicle. As I was buckling up I saw a man approach. After seeing me he seemed almost started. I then realised it was he. He was leaving and mistook my vehicle for his own. After seeing me in it he must have glanced over to see his own. He then tried to play it off as though nothing happened. For a brief moment our eyes met and it was if I could read his thoughts, a wave of calm overtook me as I realised....my truck is better than his. I waved at him and he waved back. While our short friendship only lasted a few brief seconds it has left a mark on my heart I shall never forget. So long car twin!

Coffee Pot Head

Yes I'm still addicted to the sweet sweet taste of the coffee bean so I decided to write about it some more. I'm not sure what to write about it..maybe I need some right now for inspiration? NO. It's past nine at night that would be bad. Maybe I should write about my fictional coffee place I want to open if I ever win the lottery... Java the Hut. Picture a huge Jabba the Hut like creature holding a coffee cup with coffee all over his face and it running down his chin for the sign. Since I've won the lottery I may as well buy the place next door and turn it into a Pizza the Hut, I wonder who would sue me first George Lucas or Pizza Hut? I guess technically if I did it creatively enough I could probably play it off as a coincidence.

I'm in love

With coffee that is. I'm not sure why now. I have drank coffee for years, 6 or so to be exact. I stopped drinking it a year ago and switched over to tea. Recently I broke out my little teeny tiny coffee pot and decided to make a pot. It tasted much better than I remembered. The next time I was at the store I picked up some Folgers French, blah blah whatever. That tasted even better. My little pot could only make the equivalent of two cups so I was brewing multiple pots just to equal a normal coffee pots worth. Recently I ordered a Gevalia full size coffee pot and it came with four twelve once packs of coffee. I got a nice little assortment going now. My only problem is I have to cut myself off quite early in the day or I pay for it at night time. Coffee seems to stay in me longer. I did mange to kick drinking pop out of this whole deal though, not that my one can a day habit was anything to worry about, I just have to have one positive thing to say when I traded 45 MG of caffeine for 900 a day. Maybe I'll have to ween myself down from the pot and slowly add half decaf into the normal. It's funny because you can read articles saying how bad it is for you and the next day read one about how it is good for you. Reminds me of the egg debate.

How much of your favorite caffeinated drink would it take to kill you? Find out!

and now for a random comic that has nothing to do with this story

Wine baby

While shopping at the grocery store the other day I noticed they had some wine on sale. I bought two bottles, a merlot and a white zinfandel...Don't ever buy cheap merlot by the way it's kind of like grape juice with paint thinner added to it. Anywho, so yesterday I decided to open up the White Zin. I removed the seal thingy and see a cork. I dug around and found a corkscrew, kinda broken but it does the trick anyway. While attempting to remove the cork I managed to crack the bottle a bit. I HATE corks!!! They are fun for about ten seconds untill you pull on it to hard and spill wine everywhere. Do they still make them with corks by popular demand?!? Yes I understand that it is "neat" or "cool" to have the cork still but come on! I'm not sure where this is going, I was just frustrated at my chipped bottle and thought of a cool title and figured

I'd go with it.

Car Twin

Hello, and welcome to my first post/blog. I figured I'd start with what's on my mind......
So last week my friend called me on the phone and it went something like this:
Friend: Wow you must like to drink
Me: What?
Friend: I have seen your car at the liquor store atleast three times this week
Me: I seriously doubt that
Friend: Yeah right! Don't be ashamed to admit you have a problem (halfway joking)
Me: DUDE, I don't know what you are talking about!
So I kept wondering about why he thought it was me....I should note I have a Honda Passport..those are pretty rare I have seen maybe two in town to date, and mine is a not so common color: silver, plus it has Running boards which really set it apart.
Yesterday I was driving home and I turn at the liquor store...I saw it! A VERY similar vehicle to mine... in fact the same color. It isn't a Honda Passport though. It's an Isuzu Rodeo, which looks identical to an untrianed eye (as though my eye is trained to spot those things)....anyway it's the same color as mine... So now this is a problem, someone out there with my cars twin is making me look like a lush by going to the liquor store a lot! The way I see it there are only a few solutions:
1. Kindly ask the man or lady to give up drinking for my and their own sake.
2. Put a large sticker in my back window distinguishing my vehicle even further but also sacrificing visability and risking a future wreck.
3. Use the mistaken identity to my advantage..... anytime I forget something or let something slip or for any excuse for that matter
Person #1: Hey Dan, that wasn't cool of you to back into my car the other day.
Me: Sorry, I have a drinking problem
Person #2: Hey Dan, Could you watch my kids on Saturday?
Me: Sorry, I have a drinking problem
Person #3: Hey Dan, mind helping me move?
Me: Sorry, I have a drinking problem
Person #4: Hey Dan, that wasn't cool of you not to show up at AA and be my support
Me: sorry, I have a...oh wait that won't work for that one...DOH!